Stop Telling People to Relax During Labour

Let me ask you something. In the entire history of someone telling you to relax, has it ever actually worked?

I'll wait.

No? Me neither.

And yet, when someone is in the thick of labour…riding wave after powerful wave, navigating one of the most intense physical and emotional experiences of their life, "just relax" is often one of the first things people reach for. It's said with love, absolutely. With the very best of intentions. But more often than not, it lands with a quiet thud and does precisely nothing.

Here's why.

Your Body Isn't Broken. It's Working.

When labour surges come, the body moves into a heightened state. The nervous system responds to intensity, that's not a malfunction, that's biology doing exactly what it's supposed to do. Telling someone to relax in the middle of that is a bit like asking someone to be calm while a wave crashes over them. You can't think your way out of a wave. You have to move with it.

What can actually help? Connection. Presence. Language that meets the person where they are.

Instead of "just relax", try:

"I can see how strong and powerful that is. I'm right here."

"In between those surges, let's take a breath together."

"Let your jaw soften. Let your shoulders drop. You've got this."

There's a world of difference between telling someone what to do and gently guiding them back to their body. The first creates pressure. The second creates space.

Relaxation Has a Place But, It Has Its Own Timing

This isn't about saying relaxation doesn't matter during birth. It absolutely does. The body opens more easily when it's not fighting itself, and there's real value in those quieter moments between surges.

But here's the thing: relaxation tends to follow the surge, not happen during it. When that wave peaks and passes, there is often a natural return…shoulders dropping, breath lengthening, the nervous system quietly stepping back from the edge. That's the moment. That's where you meet someone with a soft voice, a steady hand, a reminder to breathe.

You can't rush that. You can't demand it. You can only hold space for it.

People Are Allowed to Find Birth Hard

This feels important enough to say plainly: having a baby is hard. Sometimes it is slow and hard. Sometimes it is fast and hard. Sometimes it is everything you hoped for and still, really, really hard. All of that is allowed. All of that is normal.

The job of everyone in that room, birth partner, midwife, doula, support person, isn't to make the birthing person seem okay. It's to help them actually feel supported. And sometimes that means sitting with the intensity of it, not rushing to smooth it away.

Meet people where they are. Breathe with them. Remind them of their strength. And maybe, just maybe, (please) put "just relax" on the shelf.

Want to learn more about how to support yourself or someone you love through birth? Get in touch, I'd love to help.